Friday, March 14, 2014

Called To Risk


"Where is He calling you to risk right now?"

This was a prompt at a recent write-in with the Story Sessions Community.

This was and still is a hard question.

Anything that has the word risk in it is going to be hard, isn't it? It wouldn't be a risk if it wasn't. That word is one of the most terrifying to me, because it means release of my need to control, even though that control is more of an illusion.

We find our way through life depending on a lot of illusions. Most of them have to do with our own security. It's much easier to look away than confront our inner monsters.

The truth I have learned this year, my year of enough, is that I need to stop heeding the lies of worthlessness that still pound at my door. I need to stop wounding myself through censoring my own words. That's what I have undertaken this Lenten season through giving up my "reputation."

It’s hard. It is damn hard! 

I first of all hate to admit that I need other people to help unbind my tongue, that I seem to be unable to manage this small task myself. But I need the support of others to draw me out sometimes. Help me articulate. It's just hard for me to come right out with what I need to say. I have been my own worst editor. It's hard to stand on my own two feet, and use those precious vocal chords to say "hey, it's me. I'm here and what I think matters as much as what that-guy thinks." I'd rather not be having this conversation, but if I must, why can't I speak my mind without fear?

Now, I don’t believe in an omniscient “enemy” and I grow tired of people using that word in a "he who must not be named" way. But I do often feel like some sort of spiritual attack has ambushed me when I can barely speak for the anxiety. That every time I step up to the virtual microphone, the impulse is to run or cry or just be quiet because that is easiest of all. Except that it’s not, because being quiet just eats away inside me like a rapidly growing cancer. There’s no easy way to do this. It’s all risk and no reassurance inside. 

I need to do what I used to do sometimes as a child when I got really fearful. I need to throw open the door, turn on the lights, and face whatever is waiting in the darkness. I need to trust the Power that goes before, behind, above, below and all around me; the Power that is not going to abandon me.

Here is my darkness: 

I worry that the love will run out.

I want to believe the love doesn’t run out, and more and more I am experiencing that it doesn’t run out even in the gaps of differences between me and many of those whom I love. I keep waiting with bated breath for one negative to topple the tower of positive but maybe that is the trouble to begin with. Maybe I need to stop climbing the winding staircase that leads to a tower prison and begin sitting in the cobbles with the other messy, muddy, ragamuffin children inviting me to join the play we make up as we go. When in company with the tribe of adopted it’s easier to believe in happy endings; when we know our Father wants us to come home, laughing, when he calls.

"Keyhole" found poetry.

5 comments:

  1. The love never runs out because God is Love. You said it well " I need to trust the Power that goes before, behind, above, below and all around me; the Power that is not going to abandon me." I love your "keyhole" found poetry. I need to try that. :) I love you much and always will <3

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  2. Knowing the love doesn't run out is so different from actually believing it. It's the believing part I struggle with. It's a daily battle. I guess that makes me "needy" and it's okay to be needy indefinitely. I have to accept that. It's better to face it than run from it. Thanks for always accepting me in my faithful doubting.

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  3. If we would all admit it we'd realize that we are all needy and always will be in one sense. The battle is fierce and we need supernatural strength to fight it. God will give us that strength and also the faith to believe it. But, as you said, it is really hard sometimes to believe that the love is always there even though we know it is. We just need to keep asking God to strengthen our feeble faith. It is good to know He loves us. God sees our struggles and I believe has compassion on us and is more patient with us than we are ourselves.

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  4. Yes! This is a big struggle for me too. I know I probably sound like a broken record about Daring Greatly, but the truths she pointed out about scarcity show up in my life every day. It really opened my eyes to how deep it goes.

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  5. That book is either on my wish list or on my Kindle and my brain is not quite organized enough to remember which. But I definitely can't wait to read that one! I keep hearing really good things about it. :)

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