|A Dreamer, Dreaming|
I carry layers of who I am, held in balanced tension.
Wholeness composed of many parts.
A journey. A process. A story:
I will always be that woman on the floor with palpitating heart, telepathically screaming at God to just let me breathe.
I’ll ever be the exultant warrior who willed her children from womb into water, and nourished them from her own loving stores.
I carry with me still the heart-dropping eternal moment when a motherhood not mine was announced, and there was nothing to do but force a smile.
I have the same hand as the one who took the greatest risk of passion she had ever taken in her not-so-brave life, and let the fire of love teach her how to join hands with a partner.
I will always be that girl on the stage, inside quaver, outside power of sound, glory of my true self being seen and heard and unashamed.
I carry the maiden whose soul faded with longing for a love true and all her own: a soul and body knit to hers.
I pace with the newly-born adult, full of conviction, reasons and answers, charged with a purpose to make straight the crooked world, even if by force.
I sit with that depressed and lonely teenager who decided once for all that life was truly worth living no matter how hard, who learned that God parts the clouds and puts rainbows in the sky when she asks.
I hold closely the child who hid her teeth in shame, who thought she could never be beautiful. Who never looked good in bangs. Whose deep thinking earned her the status of “snob.” (I cling to her most of all; she is still learning her worth.)
I possess the same spirit of that child who wandered unafraid, in search of beauty and adventure, unaware of adult worry at her apparent lostness. I love that she didn’t worry over their worry; she knew she was fine.
I see the trusting, the laughing, the sparkling hazel eyes, the nearly-bald baby held in loving arms, cherished beyond words spoken.
I am a dreamer, dreaming,
Human, alive, anxious, learning to live uncaged.
My story flows forward to a newer leaf,
And its edges are lined with gold.