This is part of my exercises in empathy series. Go here for links to the other posts.
I begged him to go away from me. I loathed myself, and surely with good cause, for my sin was always in my face.
My life was going nowhere. Into a boat over dark waters. If I cannot be good at what I do I am good for nothing. Nothing.
I am no good.
And then he comes, grace and truth in his wake. All peace and kindness; I could breathe it in the air.
He wants to teach from one of my boats. Might as well; it's been useless in any other way lately. No good for what it was made for. Stupid boat! Just like my life.
I caught my breath as he taught. Sayings so familiar yet ringing true in a whole new way. A way that didn't make me worthless. A way that sounds like... like love. And hope.
He urged me to try again. Useless, worthless. But I will do it. Cast my nets on the unfruitful sea.
And it was then that the impossible happened. I could not believe my eyes. Nets were breaking; boats were sinking!
I buried my face in his knees, hating myself more than ever for my unbelief. I begged him to leave me and hoped to God he wouldn't ever.
And he did not.
He said to me, "Don't be afraid."
Fear. Is that what has made me despise myself all this time? Fear of judgment. Failure. Losing my faith.
And then a love more perfect than I have ever heard of or imagined stepped into my world and changed it forever.
As I looked around at the haul of a lifetime- the stuff legends are made of- he told me a marvelous thing: I would be a fisher for mankind.
For the many still lost at sea, I would draw them to him.
To the perfect love. The love that makes faith, hope and miracles.
I believe in him.
I am going to follow him everywhere.
And I will NEVER leave him!