I am supremely jealous.
Some folks really put themselves out there online- really seem to know themselves. So deeply. So well.
They know what they believe in every crevice in the deepest closets of their hearts and minds. They are not ashamed to proclaim it all over social media or whatever arena their influence extends to.
They might speak about not "having it together" in life but that's ok because they know. They know who they ARE.
And I'm not there yet.
I don't have it together, even in my mind.
I might be a bit sorry for myself over that. But mostly, I'm confused.
I'm pretty much the weirdo who admits to being in a state of flux spiritually, emotionally, mentally; am I alone? Tell me I'm not alone!
The scoffers look down their noses at me with a knowing smirk.
"Tossed about by every wind..."
"Always learning and never able to arrive..." they surmise.
And I'm undone because this is what I feared all along.
Not that the assumption is true but that I would be accused of it if I was bold enough to admit my shortcomings.
Because those judges say you have to have it all figured out. You have to know exactly who your God is and how your God works. You have to always be prepared to give an answer. You have to have that faith that throws mountains into the sea and makes crippled limbs leap for joy again. But you also have to change and become like little children. Also, crafty as serpents; innocent as doves.
Throw a few more of the ol' Sunday school verses into the pile and I can toss a nice Bible salad.
(Because we all know how filling salad is.)
It won't do any good, though. Throwing more words around. I am quite familiar with the texts. I've known them since infancy.
So what exactly is this bee in my bonnet?
It's hard to nail down the thought, but it's something like this:
If we think we've "arrived" then we assume that God has completed the work begun in us rather than that it is an ongoing change to become more like Jesus.
It's like, oh, I got the systematic theology, check. God-in-the-box? Check. Lens to view Biblical canon through? It's down, baby. And, oh yeah, anyone who disagrees with my interpretation is wrong! (Expect schoolyard bully tactics to follow until everyone submits to the Right Way.)
But I am tired of all the words. Tired of it. Maybe I'm just plain tired.
Maybe I know just enough to know I don't know it all and want to be led not only by the Word but by God's Spirit, equally, working on my heart in mysterious ways I can't fathom.
Maybe some of those mysterious ways involve hearing out the voices I disagree with.
Maybe a fully formed worldview requires a full understanding of the world and how it works, which while something beautiful to aim for takes more than a lifetime of learning.
And maybe, just maybe, it's not even my job to figure it all out here and now, right now, today, this very minute, so help me!
I have known the presence of God for over 34 years now. I have never been without God, even if I wanted to be. I cannot draw breath without both feeling and acknowledging the witness of the Holy Spirit. It's not something I asked for but it's not something I resent or take for granted either. I am thankful for it and I tremble at it.
I may not really know quite who I am yet. But I do know the I Am. And that's going to have to be sufficient.
Thanks for listening.